• Wayne Perkins

Being funny is no joke!

There comes a time in every man’s life, and I use the word man loosely, when you have to do the thing that scares you.

I have just recently been presented with an opportunity to have a crack at a stand-up comedy routine, something I have always wanted to try.

I’m already terrified at the prospect. It’s well-known that the fear of public speaking is one of the more common fears, right up there with the fear of death or finding out too late in the school showers that two is the more usual number of testicles for a boy and knowing with a sinking feeling you will spend the rest of your school days known as tricycle, but while public speaking, death and multiple testicular detection are indeed real fears, for some reason they pale in comparison with standing up in front of people and saying. Listen to me, I’m going to be funny!

I have no issues speaking publicly but it’s the fear of trying to be funny and not being funny that takes all the fun out of the situation. It’s funny like that!

Suffice it to say that I am shitting myself, which in itself is an interesting phrase.

Because what shitting yourself actually means is to move your bowels in the production of a stool, which I’ve always felt was a strange way to talk. We already have such good names for faeces such as poos and jobbies so why we should call it a stool is beyond me. The phrase – producing a stool- is in my opinion probably the most cringeworthy phrase I can imagine, right up there with the word – moist!

What makes it even worse is when a doctor asks for a stool sample, which brings to mind a picture of yourself and the good doctor, reclining comfortably on a sofa with a cheeky wee glass of red and leafing through something not unlike a carpet or curtains catalogue to find something you both like the look of!

Look Doctor, I don’t have anything in a chocolate brown with glossy highlights but I may be able to find something in a beige that’s reasonably moist with a firm exterior. Just let me have a rummage around in the back!

But of course, when I say -shitting myself- it doesn’t have anything to do with actual bowel movements, except in those involuntary unfortunate moments we choose to forget, but what it does mean is unbridled terror or fear!

There is a fantastic old saying that goes – everything you want is on the other side of fear- and so, despite the fear, or maybe because of it, I am going to have a crack and adopt the attitude of - what could possibly go wrong?

It will be an interesting experience and I guess it won’t be until afterwards that we will know if the -shitting of ones self- happened in a figurative or literal sense.

One will result in a few chuckles and a sigh of relief, the other in being handed a mop and a bucket of warm water!

Time will tell.

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